This weekend was a whirl of emotions. Happy. Very happy. Super content. Then melancholy. Just out of the blue.
I had an enjoyable time at a gala on Friday. Two meetings on Saturday. Played pool and had Chipotle. Then, church all day Sunday.
Sunday night something in me was pricked. During evening service, I thought I had it all together but I became undone. I realized that I was in a season of dissatisfaction. That’s a scary place to be. Not only because I, like the speaker, had been unemployed for two years and had to lean completely on God, but because I now have what I’ve prayed for.
I lack nothing. All my basic needs are taken care of. Why am I complaining?
I’m complaining because I have been pretending. Masking my discontent. You may be seeing question marks right now, but for the majority of this year, I was trying to find a way to get back to New York. I was so preoccupied with moving back that I didn’t give myself a chance to enjoy the blessings around me. Sure, I was unemployed, but I didn’t have a worry in the world. I wasn’t living within my privileges as a child of God.
It wasn’t until I was faced with near homelessness that I sought out God to help me. He had been helping me all the while; I just chose not to acknowledge Him. Human error.
In the midst of my masking I realized I was
and still am to an extent hiding my greatness. The amazing, talented woman that God created was hiding behind average Sepia, just doing enough to get by.
Last night, I had a loooong conversation with a friend of mine. I realized that I had been blaming him for my feelings of emptiness when he wasn’t the problem. I never verbalized it, but I thought he was the reason I felt so… average. We talked for a couple hours last night after he demolished me in Scrabble. I told him all my worries, dreams, faults, flaws. Everything. He listened. Nodded.
At the end of the conversation, he walked around and opened the door. We hugged and before he let me go, he said to me,” you have a choice to make. Either you can let go of everything you are and be average or you can put in the work it takes to live up to your greatness. Now, if you’re going to be average, I don’t want to hear about how great you are or how great you could be. But if you’re going in the direction of being in your purpose and being as powerful as you can be, then you need to change some things.”
I thought about that all last night and even up until this moment. I’m so thankful for that conversation. It kind of catapulted me into action. It made me realize that I can’t just get by because even at half-speed I’m faster than my competition. I’d rather outrun my best than to be subpar. His words and my own thoughts of myself caused me to write this post. It made me aware of so much I was lacking in my life.
So, from now on, I’m setting goals that look unreachable to the untrained eye. I’m doing what I’m purposed to do and sometimes that might mean keeping others out of the plan (temporarily). You know, some people can’t handle your dreams. Instead of telling them what you will do, just do it and let them see the fruits of your prayers.
I heard if you put your goals out into the universe, there’s a greater chance of them coming to pass. So, here goes nothing. For the rest of this year my goals are to:
- Get closer to God (ask for His presence in every aspect of my life; consult with Him on every decision; be His daughter)
- Write more consistetnly (In the words of a great writer: Writers Write!)
- Read His Word EVERYDAY!
- Embrace a forgiving and loving heart.
- Be the best me that I can be.
- Forgive myself.
- Be my own PR person.
These may seem like small goals or things that are too personal to share, but I must put them out into the world and show outward progress as time passes. I know that as my journey continues, I’ll face challenges, but I can’t pretend anymore.
I am great! I am AWESOME! I am amazing! I am NOT average! I am Sepia Brown.
Until the next click of the keyboard…