The Evolution of… Sepia

I once wrote God a letter asking for the perfect man. In over one thousand words I painted a picture of a man whose existence was impossible. You see, there is no such thing as perfection. Everyone comes with flaws. I’ve been known to seriously jokingly tell my friends, “No one’s perfect… but me.” (laughing hysterically in the most imperfect way)

These days, my letter has been revised. It’s quite succinct: Father, complete me.

Sure, I have specific things that I’d want in “That Guy” but at the end of the day, He knows what I need most. Obviously, I’ve been wanting the wrong things, so when I put everything in His hands, He’s sure to not mess anything up. (But they say God has a sense of humor **eek** Father, forgive me.)

On a more personal night, last night was ROUGH. Like really rough. One of the roughest nights of my life, but also extremely freeing.

I feel my life going in another direction and I can only thank God for that.

It’s funny. We map out our lives, make all these plans, and end up with a completely different outcome than we planned for. The journey is amazing like that. God is awesome and I trust Him to do whatever it is He has to do to get me there.

I sent my big brother, and spiritual advisor, an email this morning that started like this: Good Morning. I considered sending you an invitation to a pity party but I knew you wouldn’t R.S.V.P.

The email basically outlined what I’d been going through and the challenges I’d faced with being, well, single.

His reply: I stopped going to parties a loooong time ago 🙂

While last night was rough, I still woke up. With what happened in Tuscon this weekend, I had to re-evaluate my feelings. I realized I can’t lead a “feelings-based” existence. One, feelings lead you astray and they also change like the ticks of a clock, especially as a woman. So, instead of sleep away my day and take a personal from work during mid-term week when I don’t have to do any work at school, I got up, got pretty and made it to school an hour early.

This morning, I didn’t want to get out of bed. I just wanted to cry and wallow in my “me-ness” but I realized that I asked for this.

What’s “this”, you ask? At the tail end of 2010, I didn’t like the direction my life was going in. I was sharing myself with too many people; sometimes I had too many moments of idleness.

So I decided to make a change. I asked God to clear my path and allow me to be completely single for the entire year. And, boy, oh boy, did He clear my path!

Sure, before that epiphany I was single, but only partially so. I was single… with options. In 2011, I won’t allow myself to spend one-on-one time with anyone who’s interested in me.

Why, you ask?
I’ve never given God a chance to have all access to me. I see it like this: I’ve done great things while giving Him some of me, imagine what I can do if He has all of me! The possibilities are endless.

Last night showed me that it’s not going to be easy. I’ll keep you updated on each post (probably at the bottom, as I don’t want my super single 2011 to be the only topic I’m blogging about.) with my progress, ups, downs, everything.

I’m working towards being closer to Him.

I’m ready to begin the Evolution of….

Sepia

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