I Have A Confession

As I mature as a woman and analyze my relationships one thing sticks out to me:
I’ve made huge mistakes in dating! I’ve loved with my eyes instead of with my head and heart.

I’ve fallen in love with more people who weren’t into me than those who were.

Alas, there’s always that one person who adores you, but you simply ignore.

Case in point….
I’d been being pursued for the longest time by someone… I’m talking years and years. He just wouldn’t give up. I gave some play but just enough of my time to keep it interesting. A couple times a week and even then, I wasn’t fully attentive. At one point, I just cut all communication. Sure I still received little reminders of the pseudo relationship but most went ignored. I knew I was always number one but I made someone else my number one.

Instead of spending quality time with the person who was most interested in my well-being, I chased my now ex boyfriend. Doesn’t make much sense looking back, but I did what felt good.

Here, I had someone who took care of me; paid my bills, made sure I was feeling good… Woke me up with kisses on my eyelids… Put me to bed with prayers… All that, and I was caught up with another guy?

I cheated. There, I said it. I cheated on a Great Guy for years and years. I’m not really ashamed to say it now, but back then, I outwardly cheated. Parading around town with a boyfriend when I knew I was supposed to be in a committed relationship. The nerve of me!

Not one to care about what others had to say, The Great Guy stuck around. He caught my tears when my then-boyfriend made me cry. He was there to comfort me and showed me how much better off I was without him. But I was hard headed; a slow-learner. Even as Young Sepia, I was one to get burned by a hot stove thrice before tiring of blistered fingers.

I went back time and time again. After over 5 years of back and forth, I thought I’d worn out my welcome. But no. He’d still come over and let me vent about what happened this time; which was the same thing that happened the last time.

Sure, I was given warnings that I would be hurt again, but never was I left alone. He continued to be there even when I failed to call or check in every so often. His love notes kept coming and a surprise flower would come out of the blue. He knew how to keep a smile on my face.

Even when I gave my body to another man… He was still there…. This Great Guy didn’t want me for my body. He begged me to wait… Be patient… He just wanted to give me gifts and love and share in the joy of my life. He prayed for me and let me be me.
I was always reminded that I was worthy enough to lay down a life for. He was ride-or-die for me. Little, old me?
He picked me up when I fell and never said, “I told you so.” Instead, my wounds were healed and it was like it never happened.

Over the past couple weeks, I’ve been dealing with ME. In my me-ness, I see how much I really miss our connection. Though I aloof and bitter in the past, I won’t take it for granted this time. As I sat crying in my bed to a pair of listening ears I released all the “he’s” that were not worthy of my love, or whose love I didn’t recognize. All the people who threw my past missteps in my face; I let them go. Any one I had ever hurt; I forgave myself for and apologized. I grew up with tears streaming down my face. I cried until I had no voice and my already small eyes became puffy, red rimmed slits of compassion.

That night, I allowed myself to live and the one who helped me see what He had been seeing all along – the amazing, quirky, talented, blessed, beautiful creation – was there to whisper, “Just Be”.

So, yes, I cheated on the best thing that ever happened to me but there are no divorce proceedings (I’m not married, I’m engaged, remember?).

Instead, I’ve been given a priceless gift: forgiveness.

I cheated on Jesus and He took me back. His love is matchless and I’ll never take our relationship for granted again.

Who do you love?


P.S. – Tomorrow, I’m going to start, FAVORITE THINGS FRIDAYS… They’ll feature my… favorite things. Come back Comment. Show love

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7 thoughts on “I Have A Confession

  1. 2blu2btru says:

    Really loved this post! It was really honest and moving.

    Who do I love? I love God/Jesus/The Holy Spirit. I love my boyfriend, brothers and sisters in Christ, family and friends, but only sometimes (I’m still working on it). I love myself (probably less of the time than anybody else).

    I can’t wait for your favorite things! I’m thinking of ways to change up my Friday posts as well. Enjoying the posts so far. 😀

  2. xavia01 says:

    I love God, family, friends, and a great man that really loves me!

    I love your post. I just joined and wanted to find some sistas who were doing big things and I found you. You are so honest here and my story is very similar! I was in a 4 year relationship, all through College and at the end, I spent 7 months single…finding that ME that you described earlier. Well, I met this great guy that seemed all into being with me but initially I was scared! Opening car doors? Taking off my coat? Holding my hand? Kissing my forehead? I couldn’t believe it…I felt as though he was doing it because he thought that’s what I wanted…but actually, it was because he wanted to and he adored me! A few months of dating, lead to a proposal and I accepted but less than a month later, I found myself ready to run. Is there something else out there for me? Can I really be his wife? Am I ready? I allowed these questions to make me unsure of a great man!

    I told him that I couldn’t do it and that we needed to end things before we started wedding planning but he wouldn’t allow it. Thank God! He told me that he knew what I was trying to do and that if I really wanted to leave, I could but that he would fight to keep me. I can’t tell you how great that felt…to know that even through my temper tantrum, he wouldn’t just let me go! It feels great to be with someone who genuinely cares, and I admit…sometimes I have flashbacks to those 4 years of problems, fights, and hell but I can’t allow those days to ruin these days! Thanks so much for your post…it allowed me to think about my own situation. Happy wedding planning and I pray God blesses your union!!

    • sepiabrown says:

      Hey there!
      Thanks for coming by and commenting.
      Yay! I have another subscriber 🙂

      This post, though able to apply to a man, applies to my relationship w/ Jesus. I cheated on Him by putting my relationship w/ a man ahead of Him…

      I’m now single (and have been for quite some time) and my goal is to dedicate all that I have to bringing Him glory.

      Thanks again for stopping by. Be sure to share 🙂

  3. Saul_E_Adwele says:

    Wow good read… That’s one of the reasons why i admire you so…Honesty…

  4. This was beautiful! Very very uplifting! You made yorself transparent and available. I love it! Bless the Lord.

  5. […] Sepia’s aforementioned blog post: I Have a Confession… […]

  6. Keisha D. says:

    This was great! Thanks for letting God use you. Be blessed!

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