last night i couldn’t sleep.
afterschool, i ran a few errands on foot, made it to the bus stop and rode home on auto-pilot. i knew as soon as i got inside and put my things down that i wouldn’t be leaving to go to the office to tutor anyone.
a sky blue feeling washed over me and i slept. hard.
i guess this is what the d-word really feels like. lack of interest in usual activities, decreased appetite, restlessness, sleeping longer than normal, insomnia, moodiness… blah blah blah…
i woke up at 9 and 11-ish. couldn’t make it back to sleep. i was breast stroking in a sea of salty tears.
the thoughts swimming through my head sounded like a commercial for an anti-depressant.
should i go see someone? probably so. will i? we’ll see.
at around 12:15 am when i didn’t feel like talking to God, i busied myself with nothingness… re-added ubertwitter to my blackberry… perused through old 140 character thoughts of mine to see when i last felt like sharing happiness with the social media world…. 23 days ago my last twitter update was: I want a heart that forgives.
i came across an update that read: will this matter in 5 years?
that tweet was in reference to a break up i didn’t see coming.
before he moved on, there was another relationship breaking up. this break up happened to be one of the close female nature. and it still hurts a bit.
i waffled a bit with posting the details of this break-up but this is MY BLOG and i share what I WANT with MY READERS. that said, here’s what happened:
after moving home from nyc, i was severely depressed (much like i might be right now). i detested everything and everyone in miami. i went from living walking distance from anything i needed to depending on someone to take me to get groceries (i hadn’t conquered the broward bus system at that time and everything in miramar is an hr away on foot).
for the first time in my life, i was really unemployed.
i lived at home with my mom and sister and finding a job down here was the last thing on my mind. i spent my days sleeping and my nights outside the house.
on wednesdays and sundays i escaped at church.
a few weeks into the new year, an old childhood friend, who had recently become a member at my home congregation, wanted to hang out.
we ended up spending a lot of time together. since her job was near my mom’s place, after she left work we’d hang out. we went to church together, the mall, dinner, movies, everything. it was like we were in… a relationship.
if i had someplace to go, she always took me. always.
i never wanted to be a burden but as time passed, it felt like i was.
in the summer, when i found i needed a place to stay, she helped me move into my temporary “summer home”. we even rode around in her car for weeks so i could find a new place to stay. i was soooo grateful for her help, too.
we saw one another like every single day. which, to me, was an accident waiting to happen.
you see, i have sisters. four of them. two of which i was raised with. one was born 9.5 months before me (i was premature). we shared a room all our lives until college, COLLEGE. this means, i know how it feels to get tired of being around someone.
so, it happened.
y’know how it feels when you know someone is doing something they don’t want to do? yeah. that’s how she started making me feel. so, instead of asking for a ride, i started taking the bus. this eased the tension in our friendship… temporarily.
then, i was blessed with a teaching job. great for me!
our time together had changed. we would still chill every now and again and she even helped me with a major project i was working on.
but one day, things turned.
around december, i made my now infamous lobster mac n cheese for a few people. i forgot to include her on the short list. it was an honest mistake. why would i leave her out on purpose? of course, she’d had some of the original batch from thanksgiving but i guess she had an expectation that i would make her some by default. i didn’t. she got really, really, mad. unreasonably so.
her actions were that of a two year old in the grocery store… i blinked and let her slam the door in my face. then i got silent.
i was upset. i reached out to her about my disgust with her rudimentary behavior based solely on my oversight. i called. i sent text messages and i even humbled myself enough to speak with her in person.
her reply? “we don’t have anything to talk about.”
i wanted to attempt to fix things but when she didn’t receive me after the 5th or 6th time, i had no choice but to pray about it and give it to God.
i’m a forgiving person. i won’t, however, let someone blatantly disrespect me and not say anything. the bible says you must forgive your brother 70 times 7 times. or however many times he offends you.
it doesn’t mean i have to let the person treat me any kind of way without consequences.
her reaction and refusal to follow up let me know that:
a) our friendship wasn’t that important to her
b) she didn’t see the wrong in her actions.
i’ve been on the giving side of a bad attitude so i can spot one as quickly as i can a penny on a sidewalk. it was my fault though, i had let petty arguments slide; remarks about me go unretorted. if i had just said something instead of letting little things fester, we might still be friends for a bit.
it hit me like a bus. but that’s how break-ups are sometimes. with a friend, it’s different. i feel like we have some unfinished business.
we’re off in our own worlds, making plans and existing without the support of one another.
it’s odd. but i’m getting over it.
if i had just met her, things would be different but i’d known her since childhood. since elementary school. since bad haircuts and forgivable mistakes. but we weren’t as accountable for our behavior back then.
now, as adults, we have the choice to not speak. we don’t have to be around one another and it may take time for this to heal. if we’ve truly outgrown one another in such a short time, then, c’est la vie. it was a good ride.
suffering through two break ups simultaneously is tough but i’m tougher… at least i’m tough enough to write about this one. the other? maybe in a year.
friendship is a gift. cherish it. if it’s broken, fix it… if it’s unfixable? pick up the pieces and move on.