More Than Single…

It’s that season again. No, not winter, spring, or summer, but engagement season. Every few years, there comes a set time where it seems like everyone except Sepia is getting engaged. My first experience with e-season, as I’ll call it, occurred in 2007  (read about it briefly, here).

I’m sure this happens to every girl of the marriable age, so I’m no exception. My best friend is engaged, my business partner is engaged, my older sister is engaged (and I’m supremely happy for her!!!).  I have three weddings to participate in in the next twelve months. Three dresses. Three diets.   Three times at which I may have to weave and/or straighten my hair. Three oh three it’s the magic number. And I’m not complaining one bit. I’m actually cool.

Here’s what I’m not cool with: single women making their “singleness” an excuse. Sure, there are certain things we can’t do while single (well, Christian single) but for the most part, we have the long end of the stick. There’s a great charge with changing your last name and going home to the same person night after night after night after… well, you get the picture.

You must prepare yourself for a huge adjustment. But that’s not what this post is about.

I recently sat in a women’s Bible-study class and the topic was: “Eve: The First Woman”. The speaker brought up points on how Eve was the first woman, wife, mother and sinner. The bulk of the conversation was about how a wife should behave. See, Eve, as the first sinner, was separated from her husband when the serpent tricked her. She didn’t consult with him, therefore, making a decision on her own, she’s the reason why I suffer every 28 days (sorry to any male readers who may be semi-grossed out, but it’s the truth).

We went on to talk about how a great wife carries herself and yadda yadda yadda and how the older women should teach the younger women how to be good wives. I had no problem with those points. Valid indeed.

What struck me was one commenter who said,

 “But what about the single sisters? We need the married sisters to teach us how to prepare to get a husband.”

*insert screeching halt*

My hand couldn’t go up fast enough.  My heart was racing. My breathing increase. I waited for my name to be called and  calmed myself down.

“[Sepia], you have a comment? “

“Uh, yeah. So, before we’re single. We’re Christian. We can’t blame being single on anything.”

Not one thing.

Don’t blame your singleness for your idleness. As a matter of fact, this is when you can get closest to Him.

Don’t blame your singleness on your inactivity. You have the time to do what needs to be done without ANY hindrance. At this point in your life, you should be a dream chaser!  Attack your passions one by one until you have to come up with another list of things you haven’t done!

(Not to say married women don’t have goals – because the fabulous married set I know has talents galore – but some of us single ladies have LOTS of free time to get things done.) 

Before I go any further I must address the sect of single women who choose to be single; myself included.  Everyone doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. Whether you have goals that you don’t want to be distracted from or you’re just not ready, I ask this one question: Why did you choose to be single?

Answering for myself, I’m single because I was tired of going from person to person; situation to situation. I needed a break. I decided that 2011 would be my super duper single year and I’d devote this entire year to getting closer to God. Now, this is a life-long relationship I’m working on. Therefore, I’m wise enough to pray about any decisions I make regarding the opposite sex. I’ve had my slip ups. I could stand to read my Bible a little bit more, but overall, I’m all His.

So, where is thing going?  Keep reading…

I’m no guru on being single. I’m just one voice. I define being single as in an unmarried, unattached state (think Hawaii -hahahaha. yes, I’m laughing at my own lame joke). Single does not mean desperate. Single does not mean lonely. Single does not mean less than.

During most of my time in The Most Wonderful Place in the Continental United States of America (bka New York City), I was kinda in a couple relationships. All but one of those guys had time enough to spend the day  doing the things I loved doing. My days were free and with the majority of the people I knew there either in school or at work during my free time I did lots of things alone.

That didn’t really change once I moved home. I’m often found shopping, going to the bookstore, movies, museums, poetry readings, everything alone. I even take myself to dinner… a lot!

A friend of mine asked, “Don’t you feel weird eating/watching a movie/looking for shoes  alone?”

My reply: “Nope.”

 I’m a rare breed of woman who doesn’t have to have people around at all times. I have lots of family so time alone is always very comforting. I’m able to spend as much time as I want  rewinding the really funny part in a Will Ferrell comedy I’ve seen a thousand times or rushing through the mall to get a pair of boots without lounging in a store for hours.

I’m one fabulous single woman, if I do say so myself – and I do! People often ask, “why hasn’t someone married you yet?”

Who wants just “someone”? I want The One sent from THE ONE!


At least twice a day I hear, “so, your boyfriend/husband/man must be (insert presumptuous comment) because you’re so (insert flattering adjective).”

I’ve learned to take it in stride and keep walking. I know my purpose. I know His plan and as soon as He’s ready for me to be un-single, I’ll keep traipsing through life in magnificent vintage dresses, uber high heels and hold my crown of 1b curly, puffy hair high to the sky.

I refuse to use being single as an excuse for me to not do anything I’ve prayed about and set my mind to (including, but not limited to: learning to sew, cook, decorate, change a diaper, be a lady, say “no”, fall in love, fall out of love, move to a new city, travel alone, write a book, just be.)

Be sure to share this with a single friend or two… Oh, and previously single ladies, let me know what you could’ve done differently/better to make your “un-married” days more fulfilling.

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14 thoughts on “More Than Single…

  1. I love this! Before I married. I went through a year of content singleness. I deleted old phone numbers and email addresses. I put to death my social life which consisted of hanging out, Downtown Atlanta with friends and family. My day to day consisted of Work, Church and Home Life. I spent that season of my life getting closer to God and allowing my faith to grow by depositing the Word of God in my heart. I was a lonely season. I didnt wanna preoccupy my flesh’s loneliness with the companionship of someone who A) wasnt someone I truly liked and B) wasnt someone God wanted me to be with. I started to enjoy my solitude. My God & I time. It allowed me to fall in love with who I needed to fall in love with1st….in order for any other relationship that followed to matter. God will not allow any relationship to be greater than the relation we need to have with HIM. In my singleness… I realized that there were places that I needed God to heal… Places that I allowed other to abuse because of the decisions I made. In my singleness I need to be prepared and grow. God truly deal with me because I came to him with all my baggage and mess…a broken heart and a contrite spirit. He scooped me up… did his work on me and sent someone in my direction who loves me unconditionally. He sent me a friend and a life long ‘playmate’. *grateful i am* Because I didnt think i even deserved it. In my singleness, I got a lot done. The season wasnt spent “on the prowl”. This season and forever, I am a wife. I get a lot more done but with the help of God and my husband. Gotta love the extra hands! ❤

    Be encouraged Ladies In Waiting…. whether you are waiting on him or waiting on HIM (God) to make moves concerning your life and its direction. The best relationship you can cultivate during your singleness is the relationship with God. If its your desire to be married on day… pray for it and about it. Reveal you heart to God (Sure, he already knows whats in it, but he delights when we tell it to him.) Pray for your future spouse….even if you haven't officially met him. Pray that the Will of God be operative in his life until you guys are paired together.

    ….and if you don't ever wanna date/marry….and are content in your singleness…. make sure you are doing the Work of the Lord… busy… until he returns for us all! God Bless!

    Love ya {Sepia} Thanks for letting me ramble!

  2. Tori says:

    Excellent work as always Sepia. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this! You know how I feel> This is your time to be yourself and allow yourself to be seen. Work for the Lord, use your gift, and give Him the glory.

  3. Sunnie says:

    This was amazing. Both messages. I needed them. Do you min dif I post it on my fb?

  4. 2blu2btru says:

    I am “in a relationship” but to everyone in the church, the world, and to myself, I am single, i.e., I am not covenant bound to a man. There are really only three things you can be: single: never married, married, or divorced, on any documentation that matters, lol, so I’m single. I get asked why I’m not married all the time. My bf gets heavy-handed hints about “putting a ring on it.” I’ve even had people try and set me up on dates with other folks because he’s not moving fast enough!

    Until the bf, I was single single my whole life. This was by choice. I didn’t want to date just any man, and I don’t want to “kiss a lot of frogs” to find the one. So I spent a lot of time with God. As a single single woman, I was into: church, yoga, school, working, movies, music, books, and cooking. Honestly, not much has changed since then. I just go to church with someone, force…ahem, suggest that someone do yoga with me, and expose him to all the things I like doing. What’s annoying is that I’m always lumped into a couple. Well, where is Mr. P? Why isn’t he here?–Umm, I guess he’s at home or somewhere; I’m not his keeper!

    Also, people always think just because I’m unmarried, I am a)doing something wrong, i.e. sinful b)doing something wrong, i.e. “why he don’t want to marry you?” c)have nothing better to do than whatever it is they want me to do. I wrote a post on the importance of being single and using your singlehood to glorify God, achieve goals, figure yourself out, pursue your passions, be selfish, and focus on you without giving anyone a justifiable reason to be angry with you. We forget how essential being single is to our development. There are tons of stuff singles can do marrieds can’t, and vice versa. It’s about being content with where you are, and glorifying God wherever you are.

    I’ve survived quite a few marriage seasons, starting in college and coming on down. I used to let it get me down, but now I am just happy for others and hopeful it works out for them. It will happen when it happens…or I’ll be like Paul 😉

  5. Marq Von says:

    Well as for me, single and all, at this time my focus is on fulfilling what God has for me to do. Being in different relationships in the past, I remember putting what I want on the back burner a lot. Being single for this almost two year period, has really allowed me to “HEAR” what God is saying to me. My faith has strengthen a lot, and God has moved me into a whole new location (My DREAM CITY) in the meantime. When I’m approached by a man, I’m not really in NEED to establish something quickly. I’m wiser now on being able to weed out the garbage and the worthwhile. It’s all in the first conversation where you can tell so much about a person. It feels like I’ve accomplished so much in my period of true singleness. I’ve re-discovered true passions and understand myself in its true form. God continues to show who he is and I love it. If someone comes along where there is a connection then great but I’m not in a hurry or REALLY seeking it like I did in the past. My time here on Earth is short and I don’t want to waste anymore time or opportunities. I’m truly content..HOWEVER.. I do have some moments where I would like to have a date or be with someone. I’m only HumAN. But I’m not desperate for it…see the difference. 🙂

  6. Christie says:

    Loved this piece on being single and content, I feel the exact same way. These are the stories some of those idiots in the media never choose to talk about ….single and content women rather than “how to get a man”, “why black women can’t find a man” yadda yadda yadda.

    As a new follower, I’ve loved your posts so far.

  7. RonaLo says:

    Being single for 4 (four) years had its ups and downs (I joined the gym and paid a ridiculous amount of money to a trainer that I did not need) however I occupied my time giving back to the community by coaching track and field (Rona loves the kids). I enjoyed every moment of my singleness and now that I’m engaged I tend to miss those moments of me time! (I’m a loner must days) More importantly, I enjoy the comfort of knowing that I have someone who will forever have my back no matter the circumstance.
    My message to those praying to be married is make sure that you are 100% ready mind, body, and soul! Secondly, get rid of that cookie cutter image of a picture perfect relationships because they are none existing, learn to communicate, and learn to become slow to argue and quick to forgive!

  8. Shawntay says:

    Love it! Love lt! I don’t think I would change anything before the “E-season” occured for me. I have experienced a lot..Good and Bad! I did all the things (and more) a young single lady would do. I’ve learned great lessons. My way may not have been the “right” way but I enjoyed my single life….Enjoy yours the way in which you desire..Have no regrets! When you know better…..Do better! DO YOU! (in Elaina’s voice)
    Love ya sister!
    You are blessed!

  9. […] the Lord she’s listening. My good blogging friend Sepia Brown discusses forgiveness (and singlehood–P.S. Sepia–my post on the Importance of Being Single can be found here!). BRDavison […]

  10. KarlaMCurry says:

    I’ve been married for almost ten years, but when I was growing up I didn’t think marriage was for me. It’s “for you” when God reveals The One. *grin* Don’t even get me started on the pastor who made me feel bad because I was heading into a marriage not wanting children… *sigh* Anyhoo, the Bible clearly states that marriage isn’t for everyone; I like this commentary on 1 Corinthians 7:

    Sometimes I think it’s my married state – being so busy and preoccupied with taking care of my family, chores, errands, and so forth – that prevents me from learning and trying new things. I’m just “too busy” to bother. Or we can’t afford it, which is a realistic concern. Some things I have to do out of necessity or a desire to teach my children, but other things I put off (e.g. I *finally* started teaching myself to knit a few years ago, something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time). There may be some things that could be more enjoyable – or perhaps just “different” – if experienced with a significant other, but that shouldn’t stop you from following your dreams or aspirations.

    Sometimes I think the goal of getting married, or finding a relationship, is like other desires we put on a pedestal – if we can just _________________ (fill in the blank), our lives would be complete. Losing weight is a great example. If I just lost 15 lbs I would be happy all the time! Well, whenever you reach that goal, you realize life is still full of complications and anxieties. Once you’re in that phase of friends who ARE all engaged, then married, you’ll find all of your friends are pregnant and having babies, and people are asking you why you haven’t started a family. It never ends!

    I realize how hypocritical it is of me to say this, but strive to find joy in and be content with where you are. God has you there for a purpose.

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