Minus the name of the person writing the blog, everything posted here is 100% real-life. I sometimes waffle with whether or not I should change the name of the blog to [myrealname].wordpress.com. Either way, most people who know me via facebook or in real-life, at least know the face and government name of the natural-haired woman behind Sepia Brown.
Now that we have that out of the way here we go:
This year started out rough. A decision that I’d made in November came back to affect me in a major way. I checked “no” instead of “yes” or “maybe”. It was a sound decision; one that caused me much heartache but growth as well.
I let go of a friendship, love, comfort zone and a possible husband. ::gasp::
Yes. I just typed the h-word.
Backtrack a few posts and you’ll probably gauge that my emotional well-being wasn’t where it is today. I was beyond navy blue. I was some shade of eggplant. But it was all my fault. If I found it necessary to blame anyone.
After 7 years of back and forth, 7 years of love and indecisiveness, he moved on. Honestly, I thought he’d always be there…. waiting…. for me. But he did what was best for him.
So it went from WE to he and me.
he + she and me.
all by my lonesome. wallowing in my thoughts. doubting myself. wondering when the tears would stop.
Someone had to have prayed for me because they stopped. I realized I was blaming him for so much of the pain I was feeling and while thoughts of our past probably brought those feelings up, I made a choice. So did he.
I spent a few days being bitter, a few more days crying, and lots of days praying and talking.
On the Saturday before Valentine’s Day, I had a conversation with a wise woman friend of mine. It was after said convo that I realized I hadn’t been treating him as I should. During our 7 year frelationship, he introduced me to Christ. Not only were we he+she, but we were also brother- and sister- in Christ. On many occasions, and for the bulk of our relationship, we overlooked the most important bond; focusing more attention on our dating/social life (see why some things don’t work out).
I made a decision to apologize to him for putting my hurt feelings in front of what is required of me as a Christian. Sure, it’s not the most popular decision but it’s what’s most vital for my growth as a woman.
It took a while for me to muster up the strength to even look in his general direction but a week after that conversation, I was given the opportunity to speak with him about my less-than-Christian attitude.
Humbled and nervous I went up to him and said, “Hey, I think I need to apologize to you about something. I haven’t really been treating you as a brother-in-Christ and that’s not right. I’m sorry.”
Him: “Thank you. I had noticed it and I wanted to say something to you about it but I just didn’t know how. But I was gonna say something.”
A boulder of bitterness was lifted. I smiled. We hugged. Said, “I love you.” And went on with our lives.
This guy, the same guy I had a crush on in middle school, re-met at 21, fell in and out of love with, broke up with, got back together with, decided to be friends with – that same guy, I couldn’t be happier for at this very moment. While I miss our friendship and bond I look forward to our growth as Christians.
At the end of the day, God knows. He knows the beginning, middle, and end. Last I checked, I’m still living…. Watching what happens next.
Respecting the process of going from We to he (+she) and me.